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Sunday, July 6, 2014

Smokey chicken SALAD

Do you ever go to a restaurant and order a salad,  and looks like this

And you're all like

Because, oh salad!   You slay me with your bullshit boring lettuce, you may as well be iceburg, you silly prick!  And those unripe,  mealy piece of crap tomatoes?!  Stop it, your killing me, I can't breath! 

But as reality slowly sets in, and shit starts to get real,  your a little more like

Oh my Fuck.  I just PAID for this shit?!  This is my DINNER?!  I'm gonna haft go home and eat a PB & J!  This is crap.  I feel violated.  By produce.  And not in a good way...

When it's just too much for you to take, you end up

Because that shit is emotional.  You might run to the bathroom,  or pretend you have something in your eye, but you are fooling NO MAN.

And finally, you can just be like

Because even JC ain't got time for that.

Well friends, spare your self the emotional roller coaster that is restaurant salads, and make this at home

Smokey Chicken Salad.

This salad is SUPER filling.  I couldn't even finish mine.  It takes a little prep, but you can alter it.  As always I'll tell you how!  Relax.  Fuck.

- smoked chicken thighs. (If you don't have this, or don't wanna go to the trouble to make this, stopping being such a lazy asshole....  J/k, you can use rotisserie,  or BBQ chicken, it will still be bangin.)

- veggies (I'm just gonna list em all here, cause speaking of lazy assholes...)
green onion
Peppers (I used sweet, AND some canned pickled jalapeƱos, because my man likey)

- 1 or 2 cans of black beans

Basicly,  you want equal parts of everything.   Maybe a little less of the spicy shit, but that is YOUR CALL.  Don't get all pissed at me if you put to many jalapeƱos in, and end up with fire ass, that's your jam.  You figure it out.

For the dressing, I took two of those little cups of Salsa verde, or as we in so cal call it "suave sauce"  That's just in our house? Okie dokie.  Anyway, I mixed those with the juice of one big fatty lime, and added cumin, garlic powder, salt, and chili powder.   

It really is a radical summer salad, and I had a bunch of the shit in my garden.  Really do try to used smoked chicken though.  Cause Jesus said so.  And it REALLY makes it.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014


What?  You don't want a plate full of turds?

How 'bout now?  It DOES look like I ate a turd.  I'll give ya that.  And judging by my kids shopping list for me...

It DOES look like I am already well stocked up on good ol #3 (which is of course, actually number two).  I'm NOT buying drinking pee though, because a friend told me, it's the EXACT SAME as tap pee, just cost more.  So, fuck that, kid.  

Oh, hi.  Did you come here looking for food?  Not gross bathroom talk?  Oh, okay sorry.  I made some kate-a-bars.  There a lot like a very popular bar, with some other chicks name in it...I can't remember, but, it's really not important.  Wanna know why?  Cause THAT BITCH never made one with FIGS.  Cut her some slack y'all, not everyone is me.  Anyway, the main thing you need for this, is Dates.  Soft, pitted dates.  Not those chopped up dried out hard ones.  Those won't work.  They should look like this.

No, not another turd.  This is a date.

Basically, you put this in your food pro, with whatever you want.  Complicated I know.  Then you form it into a bar.  You can use anything that sounds good to you.  My fav, of the "other brand" is the PB cookie.  So I made that one first:

Peanut butter
Sea salt

Then, I got kinda wanting a tropical, Girl Scout cookie flavor.  So I did this:

Almond butter
Vanilla protien powder
Chocolate chunks
...I KNOW.  Good shit.

Lastly, I was thinking FIGS.  If you guys know me AT ALL, you know I like figs.  So I did this:

Dried figs
Coco almonds
Almond extract

This one is my fav.  Almond extract is the shit.  Had I thought about it, I would have added it to the second one.  You might wanna do that.  OH, some vanilla too!!  

Alrighty, have a good day bitches.  Enjoy your "squishy poo", and don't forget your "diraya".  I ALWAYS forget the diraya. 

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Panang curry!!!

So, after rousing response from me asking who wanted to see a blog post on this (when I say "rousing" I mean, one person said yes, and three "liked" the comment), I suppose I'll let you fuckers in on it.  Its a paste.  From an Asian market.  99 Ranch Asian market to be exact.  If you have onea these near your hood, I HIGHLY fucking suggest checking it out.  I was SO AMPED the fuck up after shopping there.  I seriously needed a smoke to help bring me down.  I was nervous to drive home.  I was food fucked you guys.  Here a little sampling of the treats...
WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK RIGHT?!  I know.  Anyway, I came home and immediately started making all the shit I LOVE.

Spring rolls, CHECK!

Thai Pesto, CHECK!

Fresh fruit with Li hing mui powder, CHECK!

Thai tea with boba, FUCKING CHECK BITCHES!!

The real reason we're here though, is the dope ass Panang Curry.

Here goes, hos:

-Panang Curry Paste (um, not optional) 
The container said to use "5 grams" this a joke?!  Am I in Europe, or math class, or some shit?  I used about two tablespoons.  Here's the brand I bought.

- coconut oil

- coconut milk, have a couple cans handy...

-meat, veggies, tofu, fuck fat, whatever you eat in your curry.

- quinoa

- lime juice

Get a table spoon or so of coconut oil all hot in your cooking device, add the curry paste and melt it down.  Add 1/2 cup coconut milk, add your meat, summer til cooked.  Add summoar coconut milk, (1/2 a cupish), a little high quality H2O, if it seems really thick, then throw your veggies in, and cook long enough to get them juuuuuuust tender.  Not soggy.  Don't fuck that up man.  I used carrots, green beans, peppers, and cabbage.

While I did that, I had some quinoa cooking in a pot with MOAR coconut milk, and some lime juice.  You can find the cooking instructions for that shit else where....or read the back of the bag.  

At the last min I added some Thai basil leaves, a little lime juice, and some ginger.  And THAT bitches, is a wrap.


Thursday, January 16, 2014

All the boys. To the yard. STAT

I posted about a milk shake type thang I made the other day on the 'ol FB.  It was tits.  And I've been working on it, trying to tweak it, perfect it, turns out, I can't! It was just right the first time.  Call it divine intervention, call it fuckin' "der".  This is SUPER simple, and there in, really lies the true booty.

- Frozen Bananas

- Vanilla Protein Power (I used EAS.  Use what ever you want, go super clean, go dirty Sanchez, IDGAF)

- Milk (use whatever milk you want.  Bean milk, nut milk, butt milk...butt milk?  Don't use that.  Just don't get up muh grill about using cow milk.  If I hear "but we're the only animals who drink the milk of another SPECIES after we're WEANED" bullshit again, Imma be forced to list all the things that humans do, that other animals don't.  Starting with using tampons and ending with the Harlem Shuffle.  And ain't nobody got time for that nonsense.  And also, ain't nobody givin' up the Harlem Shuffle!)

- lastly, and most importantly, Unsweetened Cocoa Powder. Seriously, if your bananas are ripe enough, that will be all the sweetness you need.  I promy.  Get some GOOD quality cocoa.  You can use Hershey's, if that's all you have.  But I highly recommend, getting your hands on some Dutch processed cocoa powder.  Its good shit.

You can add more banana to make it creamier, or a little water to thin it out, or peanut butter could be cool, or berries, or whateves.  But I did all those in my experimental phase, and I'm telling you.  stick with the basics.

If ya havin' dairy problems, I feel bad for ya son.  I got 99 problems, but muh milk ain't one.

So...what?  That's it.  I hope you weren't expecting too much.  Its been a while...and I gotta, ya know ease back into it.  Like I eased back into your mom last night.  Oh my balls, I've missed what we have here!!!  *sniff sniff*

Friday, October 18, 2013

More Pumpkin for ya fuckas!

'Member when you guys begged me for pumpkin stuff...with your eyes.  Your mouth said "I am just trying to check my email, stop assaulting my personal space", but those eyes.  Those eyes said "gimme more pumpkin bitch!"  I told you guys I was working on a pumpkin spice douche.  And this was your reaction:

Those chicks are stoked on getting their vadge all pumpkin-fied!!
Okay, so maaaaybe that was more of a Sbux thing.

Well, I regret to inform you, that we are going to have to table the PSD, for now anyway.  There were some issues with the level of...spice.  Trust.  But Ill tell you what I DO have for you.  I have Pumpkin Spice Chocolate Steel Cut Oats!!!!  Mutha Fucka!

I took these pre-coffee...

I know.  What in the actual fuck was I thinking.  Sorry.  Coffee BEFORE pics!  Always.

My husband gets all bent about the "steel cut" part.  "Who cares?!" he says "What iron alloy is used to cut the damn oats!"  he says.  Fuuuuuuck, not me.  But common interweb knowledge dictates that steel has magical powers that will probably make your tits go back to pre-baby firmness levels, so I am gonna eat it...No?  What ever, you are on the goddamn Internet reading this, so open another tab and look up why it so great...and then, could you forward it to me, cause I don't feel like doing that.

I love doing the crock pot over night oat shit when the weather cools down.  It is SO DAMN BITCHIN to wake up in the morning, and the house smells all DAMN delicious, and your DAMN breakfast is all ready and waiting for you!!!  HOT DAMN.

- 2 cup Steel Cut oats
- 8 cups liquid (water, milk, nut milk, soy, rice, any combination of these.  Fuck, you could use juice if you wanted...I used water)
- 1 can pumpkin
- 2 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice
- vanilla (I used a bean, cause I had one...for some weird reason...)
- pinch of salt
- 2-3 tablespoons unsweetened coco
- sweetener of your choice

Oh, and you can always top with some chocolate chips for you picky little ankle biters, cause they are SUCKERS for chocolate chips.

I used 2 tablespoons of coco, but I wish I would have used 3.  Keep in mind, however much coco you use, you will need equal sweetener.  I did 2 table spoons of coconut sugar, and 1 tablespoon of maple syrup.  Remember you can always add MORE sweet, but you cant TAKE THE SWEET OUT.  So just chill.  On the sweet

Put that shit in the crock pot, and turn it on before you go to bed.  Its gonna be GRAVY in the am.  Not really gravy, but you feel me.  Oh, and for the love of GOD, use a crock pot liner!  WRAP THAT SHIT UP.  You do not want to scrubbing crock pot VD all morning.  That's just sick.  Sick and wrong.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

I gotcha pumpkin RIGHT HE-AH!

 Pumpkin-tober.  I know you guys are excited.  I see it aallllll over my news feed.  Hey, it's exciting shit.  I am with ya.  But, I have to tell you guys something.  And while I am sure, deep down, you fuckers already know this...most of that pumpkin shit your tripping balls about, has little, to NO pumpkin in it AT ALL.

You guys knew that.  Your pumpkin spiced lattes, and coffee creamers, and scones, and fucking douches...? There ain't pumpkin in that shit.  There are spices, pumpkin flavor occasionally, and yes, you know it, SUGAR.  Whatever.  It is the season for sweets, but if you wanna see what some REAL pumpkin tastes like, I gotcha pumpkin RIGHT HE-AH!  *grabs crotch*...that's not where I am storing the pumpkin. It's just an exp...never mind.

Pumpkin Rice 

- 2 cups rice (I used a brown rice/wild rice/quinoa mix)

- 1 can pumpkin (If you grow, your own, and wanna process some pumpkin, go the fuck ahead.  I did that ONCE.  Then I learned it all taste same, and my home grown pumps are better served as artistic canvases for carving.)
- 3 cups broth, I used chicken (go ahead and make this vegan with veggie broth)

- 1/2 onion

- Olive Oil

- Fresh Sage

- Fresh Grated Parm (again, go ahead and use those yeast flakes that taste sorta cheesy to make this "plant based"...though, even with a sprinkle of parm, you can't really argue that it isn't plant BASED.

I tried to make this as easy as possible, and it is pretty fucking easy.  If you lazy dickholes wanna skip the first two steps, you TITALLY can, and it will be fine.  I wouldn't though.  And I am LAY-to-the-mutha-fuckin'-Z.

Dry toast the rice mix over med heat.  You know the drill, til it starts to smell toasty.  Throw it in your rice cooker, with the pumpkin.

Like so.

Then put a little olive oil in the pan, and satue your onion til it's softened.
Put the onion and the broth in next.

As seen here. *Vanna White hands*

Mix it all up, close the lid, turn on the rice cooker.


Top that shit with the parm, and fresh chopped sage.  Holy balls.  It's good.  AND it actually taste like PUMPKIN.  

*origionally a typo for "kaboom", I like it better.  It's now in HEAVY rotation.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Bed shitting banana bread, now GLUTEN FREE!

I really shit the bed on the banana bread you guys.  I am sorry.  The ONE recipe you guys actually wanted, and I fucking blew it.  Okay, so, here it is.  In all it's 4 day late glory.  Hey, if the GODDAMN government is gonna close, I can to!  Right?

- 1 cup coconut flour
- 1/4 tsp salt
- 2-3 tsp cinnamon (more is better, I always say)
- 1/2 tsp baking soda
- 3 ripe as shit B-A-N-A-N-A-S. I mean, these fuckers were GROSS.  They looked like shit.  literally.  Like turds.  I didn't even wanna touch em.  When they are SO SICK, you gag peeling them...they are PERFECT for banana bread!
- 4 eggs
- 6 table spoons of coconut oil
- 1/4 to 1/3 of a cup honey

Mix the first 4 things in one bowl, mix the last four in another.  Mix that shit all together!  Add in whatever you think would jive, nuts, dried fruit, chocolate chips, fuckin quaaludes...Wednesdays are stressful OKAY?! 

Put it in a oiled, lined loaf pan, in a 300 degree oven for an hour and 15, hour and half, til it's brownish on top.

  It was really good with almond butter and cinnamon, and with real butter, (DER), and also, for the kids...with Nutella!!!  FOR THE CHILDREN, I SAY!!  IT WAS FOR THE CHILDREN! *falls to knees weeping, shakes fist at the heavens, wipes Nutella off face*

This is how bad I screwed the pooch here.  This is the ONLY pic I got..

 Wow.  Yummy.